Fiona Katauskas

cartoonist & illustrator

The rest of the world, it has oft been said, is not worth a pinch of shit. Having recently returned from a five week holiday which covered bits of Chile and Argentina and lots of Bolivia, I am eminently qualified to confirm the veracity of this statement.

“Thank Christ I’m Australian” I muttered to myself several times daily as a continual stream of wogs, spicks, darkies, wetbacks, dagos, shysters, primitives, liars, thieves and beggars harrassed me to purchase their funny little native trinkets, overpriced American toiletries products, shoe shines or bizarre gilded Papist whotnottery, or assailed me with pleas for a few spare Bolivianos- as if the whole world owes them a favour!

Bolivia was really quite nice to look at, when the chicanos got out of the way. It is a spectacularly diverse country with Andean mountain ranges, dazzling salt plains and Amazonian rainforests, all of which can be explored with the aid of Dutch X-treme Sports fanatics and their efficient foreign tour groups.

The locals could not really be described as much chop at all. Their education system is very poor and I found hardly anyone who could speak even a word of English! Few could understand it either, no matter how loudly I spoke. Much of the population lives way below the poverty line, no doubt due to their inherent laziness which has made their nation a derro on the transglobal freeways of the international marketplace. Many a time I saw a pair of shifty dark eyes gazing covetously at my Australian passport, no doubt plotting various, nefarious ways to jump queues and become a boat person from a land-locked country. Lucky the military were there in force to keep the masses in line.

Local food was poor, but luckily there are quite a few McDonalds so I was able to have a decent Aussie feed every now and again. The music was quite alright too, in a pan-piped, tootly kind of way, but very derivative of World Music I’ve heard back home.

Argentina, on the other hand, was far more civilized. They have a good deal more white people as they had the foresight to kill most of their indigenous population early in the piece. However, civilised as they may be, their once-affluent nation has completely gone to shit. And why wouldn’t it? Those people couldn’t organize a piss-up in a cerveza factory, let alone run a functioning economy.

Luckily we Australians have set a great example. On Australia Day, the Buenos Aires Herald featured an article by our very own Ambassador, outlining the ways that Aussie battlers have benefited from Liberal Party’s economic reforms such as welfare cuts, privatization, enterprise bargaining and the GST. Those Argentines could certainly learn a thing or two from the way we’ve done things here.

Visiting other cultures and seeing how shithouse they are certainly makes me proud to be an Aussie. But nothing made me prouder than when I saw our Fearless Leader making headlines worldwide with his strong and defiant stance against those so-called “disadvantaged” ,brown- coloured, queue-jumping illegal immigrants who threaten our egalitarian way of life. Good ole Honest John- the Wizard of Aus- who has magically transformed us from a weak pack of lukewarm, bleeding heart “multiculturalists” to a proud, tough, white nation, unafraid to say who can come in and who can get fuck off back to their heathen, terrorist filled homelands. And if they think that all they have to do is kill themselves to get residency, well Phil Ruddock will set them straight! Good onya guys, for putting Australia back in the international spotlight.

Thanks Christ I’m Australian, a lucky cunt from the Lucky Country. We’ve got it all here, and democracy means we can all decide not to share it with anyone else. Ah, It’s great to be back in Emerald City and great to realize that no matter where you go, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

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